Let’s see if I have this right.

I am not allowed to use “Happy Holidays” because I might offend some Christians who insist I wish you a “Merry Christmas.” Incidentally, why is it never a “Happy Christmas?” Do you ever hear anyone use the word “merry” any other time of the year? I do know an accountant named Murray, but that’s as close as I get. I’m just not a big fan of the word “merry.” Why not a “Merry New Year?”

What happens if I wish a “Merry Christmas” to a Jew, a Muslim or an atheist? Can any of them possibly have a “Merry Christmas?” Maybe we ought to work on extending “Merry Christmas” to include everyone and have a plan to convert all of them. That might not be a bad idea. A grand conversion would certainly boost Christmas sales in this bad economy. Instead of another stimulus package, we could convert all of the non-Christians and force them to buy Christmas gifts.

Do we force non-Christians to participate in pollyannas? I firmly believe the Bill of Rights ought to include Freedom from Joining Pollyannas. What is the point of pollyannas and what the hell does pollyanna mean anyway? Who started this practice? Did one of the Wise Men say, “Hey instead of bringing gifts to the manger, why not a pollyanna?” Does anyone ever get a useful gift from it? Maybe we could use a countrywide pollyanna to avoid another economic stimulus. We could have the grand drawing on ESPN like the Bowl Selection Show. “Hey, guess what? I picked someone named Winifred in Lynn, Mass., and she wants a bowling ball for a pollyanna gift.”

I am often asked what it is I want for Christmas. Since my wife already donated me a kidney in May, I have trouble figuring out whether I really need anything else. Maybe I ought to ask for a backup kidney. The next time a relative asks what I want for Christmas, I am going to ask them to donate a backup kidney. Is that over the pollyanna limit? Maybe I ought to reply, “Just get me a bad-looking tie, one with little Santas all over it, or a scarf that sheds red lint. Or maybe a half-gallon of figgy pudding.”

There is a myth floating around out there it is better to give than to receive. No one really believes that. If you went just one Christmas where you gave your friends and family nice gifts and they gave you nothing, but remarked, “It is better to give than to receive,” you would have a right to be ticked off. All of us prefer, if we have to Christmas shop, that it be for ourselves. We know what we want for Christmas better than anyone else, so why aren’t we just buying gifts for ourselves?

I don’t understand the tradition of sending Christmas cards to people you never think about the rest of the year. It’s not as if sending a card is such a personal way to keep in touch. After all, the greeting is written by a low-paid writer at Hallmark. We sign our name on this contrived greeting and send it off to an aunt in Minot, N.D., and it makes us feel good about ourselves. We might as well use a name stamp to sign it. Or how about a fill-in-the-blanks card? Another thing: Why is it strangers send you photos of their kids with their Christmas cards? There is only one thing worse than getting a card from someone whose name you just can’t place, and it’s getting pictures of their kids. My wife posts these on our refrigerator like it’s some milk carton and these kids are missing. If you are going to send me photos at Christmas, I prefer a bikini shot of Heidi Klum.

Having said that, why is it people you see every day send you Christmas cards? Why is it your wife sends you one when she can just roll over in the middle of the night and wish you a “Merry Christmas?” I know if this practice stopped, Hallmark would suffer and low-paid greeting writers would probably get laid off, but isn’t that why the president just extended unemployment compensation an extra 13 weeks?

Nothing is very realistic at Christmas. Every TV show has its obligatory happy ending. It is always snowing and even Detroit is made to look like a Currier & Ives painting. Do you really associate beer with Clydesdales romping through the snow? Do I need Budweiser to put the beer in Christmas? Can’t Budweiser be summed up in one phrase — “Bad beer, nice horses?”